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"The Bulldozer" |
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by Donna |
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| Once upon a time, when we were very young and very new at parenting, we adopted three little ones in a very short time period. These children had been born to drug-addicted parents and had been through traumas so extreme that our minds couldn't hold the concepts or the images. When those first children were approximately two, three and five years old, all were in the throes of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. At least that's what was said on paper. In real life this meant seizures, panic, self-injury, temper tantrums, burying food, and nightmares that didn't stop even after their screams woke them up. For us, it meant very little sleep as there was almost never a moment when one of them wasn't in distress, and it meant a level of stress that none of us could possibly have prepared for. The depth of the exhaustion was beyond words or thought...But, it also meant a level of love that neither of us had ever known even existed. There was profound mother/father bear love that alternated instantaneously from fierce protectiveness to a melting, exquisite sweetness... and back again at the first sound of a cry. It is a wonder our adrenals are still alive.
Sometimes - often - Love is like that. It feels so good, so Right, to love and be loved. But, Love is a healing force. It is the strongest medicine possible, and when you really say a sincere "Yes" to Love, it will bulldoze everything to the surface that does not match that vibration. Just as fasting often allows one to gather enough health to push out the offending toxin, just being in the presence of Love often starts a detox. Sometimes, after being part of our Radiance gatherings, people will begin an automatic release of whatever keeps their energy from flowing freely. It can be a physical detox such as suddenly feeling sick as old illnesses or chemicals leave the body; it can be an emotional detox where old fears and hurts suddenly rise up huge and all-compelling: or it can be a mental detox where after being in the Presence of what I call Coherence (Love), all that is not coherent clouds the mind. We refer to it as brain fog and often, after having a particularly powerful connection to Love, we will be unable to think a thought through to its logical conclusion. Don't panic... or do if you want to... but know that the bulldozer is on your side. Be careful what you ask for and welcome it graciously when it comes. Make friends with your bulldozer. Bow namaste. "I salute the God in you, Bulldozer."
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I remember one night coming dangerously close to the end of my proverbial rope. And since I was young and still in my begging stage, I prayed deep and long, asking God to give me patience. I went to sleep relieved that I would wake up into delicious calm.. once again the perfect mother who never had a need. Instead, I awoke into the most intense rage I had ever experienced.. I was stunned. Determined not to take it out on my children, I kicked my way out into four feet of snow and screamed to the heavens, "God!!! What are you doing? What could you be thinking?" (Yes, I know. Both my concepts of Divinity and my understanding of prayer have changed radically but this was back in the dark ages 25 years ago. It didn't take more than three seconds for the answer to come echoing through my mind and into my heart... "I am bulldozing out everything inside you that does not match your prayer for patience." 
